Excuses, Excuses

She's tired....He has a lot on his mind....The other kids weren't being nice...I'm sure I could go on and on with excuses we make for our kids when they aren't behaving, the way we as their parents, think they should.
First of all kids will be kids and that will never change, but are we as parents creating children that are not held accountable for their behaviors? I was faced head on with this question last week. As a mom of a almost 10 year old boy and a 6 going on 13 year old girl I find myself making excuses for them. I have lots of excuses for my daughters behavior but it hit me last week...how am I molding her or helping her to grow if my excuses continue to hold her back. It will be 6 years this June that My daughter was diagnosed with a rare pediatric cancer. She was only 8 months old so for most of her life she has been through more than any adult. I am pretty sure that is why I continually make excuses for her behavior. I had scheduled 3 Doctor appoints for her in one day, now that she is in school it's easier to get them all over with. 2 out of the 3 appointments were very stressful for her and I could see her anxiety building while in the waiting rooms. Our first stop was at the dermatologist who was a friendly as can be. She knew my daughters medical background so I did not have to repeat aloud while My daughter was in the room. Well, my daughter refused to let the doctor look at her leg where the skin had been irritated. The doctor then went on to talk sweetly, 'I care about you and you your skin on your leg. I am worried about your leg.' I could see it building in my daughters eyes and all of a sudden she says, 'Why don't you worry about your own leg. My skin is fine.' I think I stopped breathing for a while and then I gasped loudly. I apologized, 'I am so sorry. She has been through so much and she is nervous about doctors.' UGH! That is when it HIT me...how will she ever get past her fears, her anxieties and her inappropriate behavior if I continue to make excuses?
So I began thinking about gold and how precious gold is and the process of refining gold. At first gold has lots of layers before it begins to shine. But in order to get that shine the gold is thrown into fire and the impurities are released. Throughout our cancer journey we were thrown into situations that could be thought of as fire...maybe your child is angry because he or she comes from a divorced home, that is their fire. When they come out of that fire how do we treat them? How do we allow them to grow? I can tell you that when my daughter finished chemotherapy my excuses began. She was out of the fire and I kept putting the layers back on. I was making excuses instead of making her understand that her behavior was unacceptable. I know we want to protect our children but making excuses is only weakening them.
How was I going to peel back my daughters layers...allow her to start shining without excuses?? That day last week after we arrived home from all of her appointments and after I opened a bottle of wine I sat down with my daughter and explained to her that her behavior was unacceptable. I then punished her and followed through with the punishment for the first time in 6 years.
I know it is a work in progress but I know that by eliminating excuses I am eliminating layers for myself and for my children. When talking to my kids about excuses my son totally shocked me by saying, 'Mom the first sin was an excuse.' He went on to tell me that he had learned this in is Sunday School class. He told us how in Genesis 3:11-13 God asked Adam why did he eat the apple, Adam blamed Eve. That was Adam's excuse and he never took responsibility for his actions. Taking responsibility, being held accountable...praying I can continue to hold strong and eliminate excuses, excuses.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad